Thursday, 29 August 2013

God is Good?

Confession for today.

I am quite sick of people's reactions lately to good news. Various people around me have had wonderful things happening, which, I agree is good. But the reaction to the news is so often, "God is good."

Yeah, someone's pregnant...."Isn't God good!"

Someone got a job.... "God is so good!" or a father of # kids he deserves it (and my husband doesn't?)

It really seems to negate all of God's goodness at other times of life.

God seems to be so good when things go well.

But what about when things don't go well?

What about when we are barren....still!

What about when we don't know where finances are coming from? or don't get the/a job?

What about when life is one big struggle after another?

Corrie Ten Boom said once in response to someone telling her how good God was because she had a cozy home and things were going well, that God was still good in the concentration camps. God was still good when her sister, Betsy, died and they lived though a taste of hell.

It's easy to say God is good when things go well. Actually it seems to be a line people give off offhandedly. But if God is God, He is good all the time.

He is still good when things are discouraging. When things are downright awful.

Let's not forget God's goodness to those who are having a hard time. (And please, let's try not to flaunt the "goodness" when everything is going right.)

Thursday, 8 August 2013

I started taking Exclzyme after I read some posts on Endo Angel. I have severe Endo, my surgeon said it was the worst she's ever seen. I was skeptical if Exclzyme would work for me and it didn't. BUT I only took the recommended dosage. I "upgraded" to Serracor-NK (same company, AST Enzymes) which also has  Nattokinase and triple the dose.

Oh my goodness, did it work.

I get those types of periods where I cry just knowing that it's coming. This month (after only taking it for one month at the triple dose - 6 caps, 3 times a day), I was able to be sitting up on day one, by day two I was doing dishes and "normal" activities (while still sort-of taking it easy - no scrubbing floors or anything!) My bleeding was more consistent, while be lessened in intensity, and I even shaved off a day!

This stuff is amazing, I'm so glad I learned about it. We are on an extremely tight budget and these pills are expensive, but my husband is convinced that this is something we are going to continue with. We have tried many natural things over the past 6 years (including permanent diet change) and this one is one of the best (next to diet).

The best thing is that it is actually doing something to FIX the problem, not just cover it up like pain killers do.

I still had a little bit of cramping before my cylce actually started and when the period decided to rear it's ugly red head again on day four (used to be day 5). But I said to my husband, "I'm beginning to feel like a 'normal' person!" I used to not even feel cramps because all I could feel was intense pain (which I firmly believe was not the same cause as cramps).

I am very much looking forward to seeing what next month will be like.

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Ode to my "baby"

My hot water bottle is my "baby".


I take it with me wherever I go. (almost)

I cuddle it, carry it, wrap it tight.

It comes to bed for a lie down with me.

I fill it.

I change it.

It has been known to leak on occasion.

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have the burden of a hot water bottle, but after some time without I sure do miss it.

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

999 Reasons to Laugh at your Infertility

Stumbled across a GREAT website the other day. I need to spend way more time pouring through it, but what I found is gold!

Not only does it bring a little humour (somewhat satirical), but what I read the most is the comments from other women. Not only does it make me feel way more normal but I also get to see that there are a lot of people who got it worse than me. Not that I want anyone to have had a worse time than me, but it's great sort of comfort group thing. I'm not the only one that's had crazily stupid comments from in-laws, or been put down, or called selfish for wanting a baby.

Check it out, you'll be glad you did. 999 Reasons to Laugh at your Infertility.

Monday, 4 March 2013

"Little Dorrit"

There is a BBC mini series on Netflix on Charles Dickens "Little Dorrit". (Spoiler alert). It struck me how the attitude of Mr. Dorrit changed after he received his wealth. He wanted nothing to do with his old life, not even having anything to do with the people in his old life. It was so sad. And ultimately his mind simply couldn't handle it any more.

It is also sad how woman who were once infertile become as Mr. Dorrit if they are finally able to have a child (children). When that which is so desired comes, it becomes a consuming passion to throw off the former shame.

Isn't a child worth more to us infertile women than riches? Don't we feel the shame of not being able to have children? So why do so many (not all) women feel like they must have nothing to do with the "before"/"infertile" stage of their lives?

I've had this experience with a woman that I knew. I was naive and thought, "Wow, someone who has been through what I'm going through and who understands." Ha! Boy was I wrong! This woman was one of the most insensitive women of them all. (Please note, I know that not all women are like this.)

No Kidding in NZ has some insight to this in her post, Infertility and shame (great article).

We would all like to caste off what causes us shame (whether or not it is put on you by others or ourselves), but let's not forget the journey we've been on if we are ever granted a chance on another road.

It's not our fault we're infertile, but it is our fault if we belittle or condemn/shun, purposefully ostracise those who are.

Saturday, 23 February 2013

"Get Over It"

Three of the worst words you could hear.

Three of the worst words you could say to someone.

"Get over it" negates any emotion you have towards the situation.
"Get over it" implies the guilt is on you.
"Get over it" assumes that "getting over it" is easy.

We have emotions, often immensely deep emotions, about our situation. Obviously, because if we didn't there would be nothing to spark the "get over it" response.

Don't ignore my feelings.

We already feel guilty. In one way or another we feel guilt. I admit, it's misplaced guilt, but telling myself that doesn't make it go away.

I don't need you to heap more guilt and judgement on me. 

"Getting over it" is one of the most difficult things to do. A giant piece has been ripped out of me. You don't just get over that. Furthermore, do I actually need to get over it? Do I have to ignore my feelings of loss and sadness. Sure I would like to get to that place of "okay with the situation", and where time has healed the rawness, but maybe the accusing party should consider that it might be okay to grieve a loss, maybe it's even healthy to be sad at times (like Mother's day). We don't want to be stuck there, but we don't want to become dead inside. We need to live and to feel.

Don't kill me.

Sunday, 17 February 2013

I'm Blogging

There here it is. I have a blog.

Actually I have a couple other blogs (some not so current) but I've never been comfortable sharing this side of me.

I will use the safety of anonymity of this blog (and it's non-attachment to my other blogs) to vent my feelings, whereas I do not feel I can do so elsewhere.

For many of you struggling with infertility, I'm sure you've had to deal with not having those around you understand. It's hard finding a 'safe' place. A place where those around you won't judge or ridicule or say "just get over it". It seems to me, at this time, that the only place for this is a blog.

I've debated about starting such a blog for some time now. I've struggled with the idea that devoting time to a blog will cut me off from the tangible world around me. (But let's face it, to a large degree I'm cut off already because of this disease - Endometriosis - and all of it's repercussions). Bit by bit I've been reading blogs by others who struggle with infertility of some form or another and it is so immensely encouraging to know that there are others who go through what I go through, that it's not just me(!), and it brings a lot of sense and understanding to what I have and am going through. Perhaps, after-all, there is some healing that can take place in having that safe place (although online) to share my feelings and to read the feelings and experiences of others.

A confession: When I am frustrated and hurt and all those other emotions will most likely be the time that I blog. This is the time when it is most difficult to let people see our feelings, and it's so much safer from the realms of judgment to do it online. When all is going well, I'll probably ignore blogging to some degree simply because I'll have other things to do. It's when I'm down that I'm stuck for direction and blogging may be some solace for that. That being said I will try to incorporate more than just venting on this blog, more about my journey perhaps.

Well see how this thing turns out in the future.